I am so pleased that you falling headfirst into this fandom is documented here for posterity. I don’t have a question for you, so please write a freeform Tuxedo Mask monologue.

Let the history books show that my descent was swift and mildly painful. And to think I have not yet reached the bottom. 

Your request is a noble and hilarious one, so I shall indulge you:

Monologues are precious vessels of human thought. Words are the paint, we the painters, the listener a canvas receptive to our artful movements. We take our place in the spotlight for a fleeting moment with a singular duty to translate the subjective experience into a series of superfluous aphorisms and periphrastic claims. How dare you take this elegant craft and use it as an instrument to create such meaningless noise! I cannot allow it!

the signs as Tuxedo Mask speeches

Aries: Pure, innocent maidens who love sweet foods… I cannot forgive fake dentists who snare them into unfair traps!

Taurus: I will not allow anyone to tarnish a star-drenched evening with tasteless evil. I am just one stem of a rose that cuts through evil.

Gemini: A supermarket is the people’s fountain of health. The fresh vegetables of the open country and the melt-in-your-mouth shabu shabu meat are angry!

Cancer: The hospital is a mansion of life that saves people who have fallen ill. Those who fill it with tainted energy, I cannot forgive!

Leo: It is a woman’s eternal wish to stay beautiful in the latest fashions. To protect the wishes of all women, I am here!

Virgo: If you can’t understand what it feels like to be a Pawn, you have no right to command the Queen.

Libra: Turning a sacred place of learning into a battlefield is an unforgivable outrage. Now, Sailor Moon, teach them the ABCs of Justice!

Scorpio: A true boxer would never hit a lovely young maiden. Instead, he would embrace her gently.

Sagittarius: The beach is a garden of beauties in swimsuits. It is not well-suited to bombs! Massive amounts of gunpowder should be for large fireworks to light up the night sky!

Capricorn: Ruffian who creates a storm of riots in the warm sun of Spring! It’s best you retreat!

Aquarius: The drum is a percussion instrument. If used correctly, it can touch people’s hearts. But you have used it as a weapon. You are a disgrace as a musician! If you are going to play the drum anyway, play something like the cheerful tune of a Japanese dance!

Pisces: Sweets are works of art, nurtured by the dreams of young girls. And at times, even the sweet hearts of those girls who adore beauty, will melt. Sweet sugar candies can melt away their heartache. But even those sugar candies sometimes melt.

I’ve said the same thing through twelve years of primary education. It didn’t work.

“A DJ is a precious resource for dropping sick beats.“

“That sounded better in my head.”